Sadomasochism: An Introduction

The history of Sadomasochism

The topic of Sadomasochism has received a lot of media attention recently. But much of it has focused on behavior that is either extreme and non-consensual, or purely theatrical. There is little available in the mainstream media that lets an interested person know what real SM is all about.

SM stands for two words, sadism and masochism. These are named after two writers, Marquis De Sade and Sacher-Masoch. Both were European aristocrats whose erotic activities took place more in their minds than in the real world.

A sadist enjoys inflicting pain. The Marquis De Sade lived in eighteenth century France, and his books covered virtually all forms of sexuality which were considered socially unacceptable. Unfortunately, Sade wrote more to shock than to inform. The sadists in his novels abused non-consenting victims.

A masochist enjoys receiving pain. Sacher-Masoch was a nineteenth century Polish Baron who wrote the novel "Venus In Furs". This book established many of the conventions of later Sado-masochism, such as the dominant mistress and her willing slave. Although Sacher-Masoch's book is not as violent as the writings of Sade, there is still something depressing about "Venus In Furs." Neither the mistress nor the slave ever seem to get much enjoyment out of their activities.

SM Today

The contemporary SM scene is far more practical, more rooted in the real world, than the writings of the two men who gave it it's name. The motto now is "safe, sane, and consensual." There are an extremely wide variety of activities and experiences that fall under the broad definition of S/M. "Safe" means what it says. The people who participate should not be hurt in any way they do not want to be, nor damaged in any way that will not heal, or that will cause them real problems in their lives. For example, if you whip somebody, you must be careful not to hit any organs, and if you tie somebody up, you must be careful not to cut off circulation in their wrists.

"Sane" means that participants must not only be careful not to physically damage those they are with, but not to emotionally damage them either. If a person starts to have a bad experience, then the activity must stop until the person has returned to a good state of mind.

"Consensual" means that individuals participate only in activities they choose to do, and no one is pressured to do anything that they do not want to do. This is essential. The difference between consensual and non consensual SM is the same as the difference between consensual sex and rape. Both may involve the same act, but one leaves a person feeling good, while the other can cause severe trauma.

So long as the basic principles of "safe, sane, and consensual" are adhered to, people are free to do whatever they want, as long as they can find somebody who wants to do it with them.

Who practices SM?

SM is practiced by men and women who are heterosexual, bisexual, lesbian, gay and transgender. It is practiced by people of all races and incomes, in nations all over the world. Various forms of it have been practiced by most cultures throughout history, whether they were "primitive" or "civilized."

Many people report having sexual fantasies of a sadomasochistic nature from a very early age, much like gay men and lesbians often have attractions to members of the same sex very early. Others discover an interest in SM much later in life. For some people, it becomes a major part of their life, while for others it is a way to spice up an otherwise conventional sex life. Nobody has the right to judge your fantasies as too extreme or too tame.

Types of SM

SM has become an umbrella term which covers a wide variety of practices. Not all of them will be described here because that would be a book, and more than one person has already written that book. But I will try to give a brief description of those which are most common.

Sadomasochism focuses mainly on the giving and receiving of pain. The erotic enjoyment of pain is not as unusual as most people think. Many people who do not think of themselves as SM practitioners enjoy giving and receiving hickeys, bites, scratches and spankings during passionate sex. Sadomasochists simply extend this to include other tool such as whips, slappers, paddles, clothes pins and so forth. The important thing to remember is that consensual sadists inflict pain only on people who enjoy receiving it. So what they are really "inflicting" is pleasure. In the upside down world of SM, the sadist may look like a bully who is tormenting a helpless victim. In reality, the sadist may be working hard to provide the masochist with the kind of experience he or she craves.

Dominance And Submission

In the realm of D/S, the physical sensations may not be as important as the psychological interaction. A dominant enjoys telling others what to do, and a submissive enjoys being told what to do. Thus, a submissive may not particularly enjoy pain, but may take it and enjoy it if that is what the dominant wants. That same submissive could derive profound enjoyment from serving a drink or scrubbing a floor, if that is what the dominant wants.

The dominant enjoys the power she or he experiences during these interactions, while the submissive enjoys the opportunity to surrender power, to "give it up" to someone else under safe, controlled, and generally temporary circumstances.

But again, fantasy often differs quite a bit from reality. Many "submissives" want to be told by a specific kind of person to do a specific thing in a specific way, and are not shy about communicating this. In such a situation, it is often debatable who is dominant.

Bondage And Discipline

A very common fantasy is to be tied up by an attractive person, who will then do whatever he or she wants with their "victim's" helpless body. However, in these fantasies, what he or she wants to do generally coincides very closely with what the "victim" wants done.

Bondage play can vary from elaborate ropework which takes years to perfect to a light hearted attempt to tie somebody to a bed post with scarves.

If you choose to explore bondage, be careful not to cut off circulation by putting ropes or restraints on too tight. If coldness, numbness, or pins and needles are experienced by the person being bound, it is time to remove these restraints.

Cheap hand cuffs can be very dangerous. Don't use them unless you or your partners are extremely knowledgeable about their use.

Remember that if you let somebody you do not know well tie you up in a private place, you are putting yourself at risk.

If you choose to put yourself into such a situation, it is best to use what is called a "silent alarm" This means that you tell a trusted friend what address you are going to be at, and what time you will call them. If you do not call your friend back, they should call the police. Of course, do not get so carried away in your enjoyment that you forget to call your friend back, or you may have an embarrassing interruption.

A silent alarm may seem silly, but it can save your life.

Spirituality

SM is not only a way to fulfill sexual fantasies, but also a spiritual path. Many people find that pain, or submission, or dominance, puts them into a deep, trance like state. In that state, they can have visions and revelations. Sometimes, these visions help them in their life, sometimes they can be transformed into art, and sometimes they make the person feel more in touch with nature and with the divine.

If this path is for you, remember that the main tools you need to keep having these experiences are your body and a partner. Take good care of both, and you should be able to keep drinking from this ancient well of wisdom for many years.